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On Inspiration not Desperation

a painting I completed Monday night, the Virgo Full Moon. Inspired to paint larger than I have been. Inspired to convey the lunar event. As I created this piece I felt expansion, breath, room for the paint to move and do what it naturally wanted to do. That's what I'm looking for more of in my 40th year.

a painting I completed Monday night, the Virgo Full Moon. Inspired to paint larger than I have been. Inspired to convey the lunar event. As I created this piece I felt expansion, breath, room for the paint to move and do what it naturally wanted to do. That's what I'm looking for more of in my 40th year.

Today is my 40th Birthday. It’s been an interesting few days leading up to it as I have taken stock of where I have been, am now, want to go. There are so many wonderful things I wouldn’t change for the world and many others that I would go back and approach differently in a heartbeat. I have been somewhat caught up in my head which always leads me to pulling up definitions of words to fully understand what they mean which often results in me realizing that the words that keep coming to mind are appropriate on so many levels. 

I want to live with intention.

in·ten·tion
inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/
noun
noun: intention; plural noun: intentions
        1.
a thing intended; an aim or plan.
2.
MEDICINE
the healing process of a wound.
 

Yes to live with an aim or a plan. To know where I want to go and work towards going there. This was the definition I knew for the word but was moved when I saw the secondary definition was the healing process of a wound. It struck me to live from a place with no intention is a wounding of sorts. In not listening to or honoring oneself.

So what is my intention, my plan, my goal? I’ve been asking myself this repeatedly and the words that continue to come up for me again and again are inspiration not desperation.

To act from a place of inspiration not desperation!

Looking back on the first 40 years of this life, all the things I value and cherish, those I would never change or give up, they all resulted from inspired acts. Inspired by love or friendship, creativity or community. The desire to connect in one way or another on some deeper level.

in·spi·ra·tion
ˌinspəˈrāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: inspiration
    1.     the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
 

not

 

des·per·a·tion
ˌdespəˈrāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: desperation
    1.    a state of despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.
 

Those I would change in a heartbeat, in hindsight, were all acts from a place of perceived hopelessness or desperation. Desperate to be seen or heard, recognized or acknowledged. Desperation leading me away from that which I knew was truly me to someone or thing I thought people would be more willing to see or hear. Something more worth recognizing or acknowledging.

So that’s my plan, my compass, the mile markers I’ll be looking for as I continue down this path. 

 

Inspiration not desperation.

 

Now, a final note on the word wonder that overwhelms me but that often leads to 

magical learning. When I looked up the proper definition of inspiration there was

a meaning I did not know:

 

in·spi·ra·tion
ˌinspəˈrāSH(ə)n/
 
2.
the drawing in of breath; inhalation.
 

Inspiration, the drawing in of breath. When you breath in you expand, you open up, and that, in my 40th year is what I will be looking for more and more.